Zombeavers Movie Review

Those of you with Netflix probably noticed at some point last week a movie called “Zombeavers” magically appeared which prompted you to ask, “What the hell is a zombeaver?”

Well, it’s a zombie beaver. And even though I’m not a classically-trained movie reviewer, when there’s a chance to blog about a film that features zombie beavers you take that chance.

So let’s make one thing clear: This review is going to be about as serious as the movie “Zombeavers” so if you’re one of those trolls who is going to message me and say, “This is the worst review I’ve ever read” save your breath. Plus, if you’re the type of person who watches “Zombeavers” and then complains about someone’s review of it, you’re probably an asshole anyways. So let’s get started.

First, let’s talk about the title. This could be the greatest name in film making history. It’s so good, I guarantee it was the first thing they came up with. No writer would ever think, “You know what would make an awesome movie? Zombie beavers.” But I can promise you someone came up with the name “Zombeavers” and said, “Holy shit that’s great. We need to make this a movie.”

And so they did.

Zombeavers tells a story old as time: Boy meets girl, boy cheats on girl, boy and girl get killed by murderous zombie beavers.

The run time of the movie is a svelte 77 minutes and I suspect it was written in half that time. Honestly, if someone held a gun to my head and said, “Quick, come up with a plot for a zombie beaver movie,” I’d probably come up with something like this:

A bunch of drunk horny college kids go to a cabin in the woods by a lake. The lake is overrun by beavers turned zombies because a barrel of toxic waste fell on their beaver dam. One-by-one the kids are murdered in hilarious ways and sprinkled in are a bunch of funny things that are related to beavers — like maybe they chew down a tree to block the only road out or maybe the kids try to board up the house and the beavers chew right through it. But several times throughout the movie we think the kids are saved only to have a ravenous beaver jump out at the last minute and ruin it. In the end, one person survives and they leave it open for a possible sequel or 12.

Guess what? That’s exactly what happens in this movie. The only part I missed was that when bitten or scratched by a zombeaver, a person will turn into one, too. But honestly that’s a pretty big plot hole because I don’t know why the people would also turn into beavers and not just zombies. But then again I’m arguing logic in a movie that features the line:

“Listen, we cannot turn against each other right now. That is exactly what the beavers would want.”

You know what else they would probably want? A little beefier special effects budget. The beavers in this movie look faker than the gopher in Caddyshack. And that movie came out 35 years ago. Apparently there has been very little evolution in varmint puppetry.

As for the acting, it’s exactly like you’d expect for a movie like this. Each character is a regurgitated horror film stereotype (Slut, drunk crazy dude, guy in varsity jacket, chick that looks like Velma from Scooby Doo) and there’s very little on-screen chemistry, probably because this thing was filmed in three days and they all just met each other.

But if I had to give an Oscar for “Best Performance in a Zombie Beaver Film” it would go to Hutch Dano, who plays Sam. In one scene he becomes so infuriated with these killer beavers that he rips the head off a dead one and drags it and some entrails to the porch where he holds it in front of all the other beavers surrounding the house and screams, “Is this what you want you fucks!” and throws it at them.

Ole’ Hutch was also involved in a steamy scene in which he and Velma lock themselves in a bathroom and strip down to check each other for bites or scratches. Cause, you know, they are afraid of turning into zombeavers.

Apparently the fear of death by beaver is a powerful aphrodisiac so they end up having sex until a beaver jumps through the floor and bites the guy’s dick off. This happened right after a beaver chewed on an electric socket, burst into flames, and caught the whole cabin on fire.

Overall, I give “Zombeavers” 3-out-of-5 beaver tails. It doesn’t pretend to be something it’s not (i.e. a good movie) but it’s entertaining as hell. If you’re the type of person who enjoys really bad TV, I promise you’ll love this.

You’ll also love the ending credits, which not only feature a montage of outtakes but an original zombeaver Frank Sinatra ripoff! Check it out!

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