Why it’s pointless to have nice things when you have evil children

The Christmas season is still months away, but many of you out there will be receiving fantastic gifts from friends and loved ones.

And you’d be wise to send them all back.

Because the one thing I can tell you with unwavering certainty is that your kids will ruin your shit. It’s a time-tested physical law proved true by generations of the world’s best scientists and worst parents.

Exhibit A: All of my walls/doors/carpets/pets have writing all over them. It’s like a caveman lives here

Most of the destruction children cause can be boiled down to a simple formula:

Child + Any Object — 12 seconds of supervision = Destruction

That’s right. It only takes 12 seconds of looking the other way for a child to destroy something near and dear to your heart. Also, there is a direct correlation between the child’s cuteness and its potential for destruction. Please see the accompanying chart below.

Albert Einstein hypothesized that as a child’s cuteness increases, so too does its capacity for destroying your shit. Theoretically, the cutest child on Earth would be more powerful than an atomic bomb

I am convinced that the war on terror could be won by dropping a whole pack of two year olds into Yemen and just letting them take down everything from the inside. That being said, I don’t think U.S. citizens would look too kindly at dropping a bunch of babies from a plane into a desert. But I digress.

Exhibit B: A child is constantly in stealth mode. This happened three feet to my left and I didn’t hear it.

For you parents of one child, another thing to keep in mind is that two kids are much worse. I liken it to the movie Gremlins. You’ve got cute little Gizmo who can hum songs, drive Barbie cars, and fasten a bow and arrow out of a paperclip. He’s a first-born child.

But no matter how good Gizmo is, you pour a little water on his ass and suddenly he’s popping out maniac Mogwai that turn into Gremlins and destroy everything in their path. That’s what second children are like.

So you one-kid parents probably get asked all the time when you’re going to have another kid. Maybe you’re considering it and maybe they’re all telling you that two kids aren’t any more work than one kid.

They’re full of shit. Two is way harder than one. It’s even more than twice as hard which doesn’t make any sense from a mathematical standpoint.

What’s crazy is that the second one turns the first one evil. They feed off of each other and take turns to see which can cause the most destruction. My son was a perfect angel until my daughter came around, and now he’s the second coming of Bat Boy.

Exhibit C: The similarities are too close to ignore.

In conclusion, if you’re a parent of a baby or if you’re thinking about having a baby, please remember that those moments where you can lay your baby down on the floor in front of some twirling thingamabob so you can go to the bathroom will soon turn into having to poop with the door open so you can listen for anything breaking while you’re gone.

And please also remember that you cannot judge me or any other parent for filming or photographing our child’s destructive ways.

We’re not doing it because we think it’s cute.

We just need the pics for insurance purposes.

Exhibit D: It’s hard to see in this picture, but take my word for it that we had to buy a new TV when my old one suddenly came down with a screen crack about the size of a toy car.

If you enjoyed this post then we know you’d love reading Jason’s book “You’ve Got to be Shitting Me: One Man’s Nine Funniest Poop Stories” available for the Kindle and Kindle App at Amazon.com.

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