When Bluetooth goes wrong: That time my wife caught me watching “Cartoons”

I’ve had a lot of embarrassing things happen to me over the years, and I’ve probably blogged about most of them.

But recently I had something happen that took embarrassment to a new level:

My wife caught me watching “cartoons.”

That in and of itself isn’t surprising. I’m a dude and dudes watch cartoons. Hell, a lot of ladies watch cartoons these days, too, and long gone are the days you walk into a video store and all the cartoons are on the other side of those “18 and over only” saloon doors. They’re accessible. They’re mainstream. You don’t have to hide DVDs in your sock drawer or stick comic books under your mattress. You just whip out your phone, go to your favorite cartoon site, and watch just about anything your heart desires.

In fact, a 2017 study showed that 98 percent of men surveyed had watched cartoons in the last six months and 73 percent of women. That’s a lot of animation.

So when something funny happens to you while watching cartoons you need not hide your head in shame or run from it. You embrace it and tell the world.

Here is my story.

My wife Amanda and I recently purchased a new Tahoe. It has all kinds of bells and whistles, but one of the more notable things is the power of the Bluetooth. The range is unbelievable. Both of our cell phones are connected to it and sometimes when I pull into the driveway it’ll pick her phone up from the living room if she happens to be talking on it. On two occasions now I’ve pulled in and the radio shuts off and suddenly I can hear her and her mom talking about God knows what. It’s 45% annoying, 23% funny, and 32% technologically impressive.

So anyhoo, last Saturday Amanda was getting ready to leave for work just after 8 a.m. The roads were kind of crappy that day and so she decided to take the Tahoe because it had four-wheel-drive. She kissed me good bye and walked out of the bedroom to head downstairs and eat some breakfast before leaving.

Still early on the weekend, I decided I wanted to go back to sleep. I don’t get to sleep in very often so a cold, snowy, Saturday in February is perfect for doing just that. The only problem was, I didn’t feel tired.

Man, I wish there was an easy way for me to fall asleep.

And in an instant, the answer came to me. I was in need of Mother Nature’s oldest sleeping aid, and I decided to watch cartoons to help things move along a little faster.

I pulled out my phone, pulled up Google Incognito, and went to my favorite cartoon site.

I scrolled through dozens of thumbnails exploring my options. One of the joys of the internet is that you can find just about any cartoon you can think of.

First, there was doggy-style. Snoopy, Pluto, and even Clifford the Big Red Dog. But I’m not really into red-heads.

Teens was another category, but I haven’t been into ninja turtles since the mid-90s and Aqua Teen Hunger Force is just weird.

For those looking for something a little more intense, there was BDSM — Bugs, Daffy, Sylvester and Marvin the Martian. But the violence in Looney Tunes is a bit too taboo for me these days.

And let’s not forget M.I.L.F. Though a bit older, there’s something about the classics that really touches you deep down. That’s why the phrase, “Man, I Like Flintstones” is just more easily abbreviated.

Last but not least, another popular category:

Big white cock.

Personally, though, I’m not a Foghorn Leghorn fan.

None of that sounding appealing, I settled on your basic Garfield/Heathcliff video.

So I start watching and fast forward past all the stuff with John and Odie and get to the good stuff. Garfield was really meowing on about something (Probably Mondays) when suddenly the audio goes out on my phone. I could still see Garfield and Heathcliff just fine, but there was no audio. (And honestly, what good is a cartoon if you can’t hear the audio?)

I punch the volume button on my phone a few times and really max it out. At this point I have the phone turned up so high that even the neighbors should be able to hear it.

Huh?

Then it occurs to me. If I could pull into the driveway and pick up Amanda’s phone inside the house, then that means the Tahoe should be able to pick my phone up from inside the house, too.

Oh dear God, no.

I turn off the Bluetooth and hide under the covers afraid of what will come next. Seconds feel like minutes. Minutes feel like days.

And then the phone rings. It’s Amanda.

“Hello?” I ask, sheepishly.

“Whatcha doooooo-in’?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I reply matter-of-factly. “Just trying to fall back asleep.”

“Oh, is that so? You weren’t watching….cartoons?”

At this point, the jig is up. She tells me how after eating breakfast she hopped into the Tahoe, turned it on, and immediately heard the loud moans and groans of Garfield munching on some lasagna. Even funnier, she says, is it actually got louder once she realized what it was. I explain it’s because I was turning it up and she laughs uncontrollably and pledges to tell every friend she’s ever met.

Never the quitter, I decide to use this opportunity to make my move. What can I say? Shooters gonna shoot.

“So, now that you know I’m watching cartoons, do you want to watch them with me when you get home from work?” I ask.

And without missing a beat she replies.

“Nah, I’ll leave you be with your Woody Woodpecker and Tiny Toons.”