Musings from a Quarantine

I’m no different than any of you. I get up each day and put my pants on one leg at a time.

It’s just these days that’s the last physically active thing I do.

Oh, and we’re talking about sweatpants. It’s not like I’m Tagg Romney over here.

But yes, the world is different in quarantine. One month ago today was the last time I went into the office. Since then, it’s been a never-ending game of “What day is it?” followed by a rousing round of “Oooh, did the mail come yet?”

Meanwhile, my wife and kids have been off work/school even longer. Between the four of us we’re coming to terms with what the “new normal” is and realizing that 2020 BC (Before COVID) and 2020 AD (After DCOVID — the ‘D’ is silent) are two very different worlds.

Consider:

Quarantine helps you realize what a terrible parent you are. Immediately upon the closing of schools, I watched in horror on Facebook as friends and relatives spun tales of educating their children, sitting them down for structured education, and taking them outside for scripted physical activity. My neighbors down the road even had a family olympics in their yard.

Meanwhile, my wife and I are like “Hey kids, Mrs. YouTube will be your substitute teacher for the next six months. But if you come across any inappropriate videos, please let us know so we can watch them, as well.”

Bed time no longer exists. Our children actually tuck us in. And “Did you brush your teeth today?” has become “Did you brush your teeth this week?” Honestly, no matter what they answer we don’t really care. In 2020 AD you can just brush your teeth sometime next week.

Physical activity is also limited. If you live in Michigan you know the weather has sucked the last couple of weeks so it’s not like there’s hope outside. My wife and I try to walk around the neighborhood each day and so I love it when my Apple Watch gives me that sarcastic “Hooray! You stood up this hour!” message. My God, the bar is low.

My Apple Watch can also track steps, but apparently it’s smart enough to know my activity has been limited. Under “Steps” it now just says ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’

No physical activity means you don’t have to shower in quarantine, though. So the lack of smog and pollution these days is offset by the Pig Pen from Charlie Brown-like visible funk that now follows me and most others around. Foreplay for my wife and I now consists of us asking each other if we’ve showered in the last six days. If one of us says yes, we can proceed with sex.

Amanda actually hugged me this morning and said “You smell good?”

Notice the punctuation here. Not “You smell good!” but “You smell good?” She said it the same way someone would say, “You spent all of our money on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines?”

Speaking of spending money, we’ve been doing a lot of that on Amazon lately. And who can blame us? Those boxes are the only thing that’s smiled at me in five weeks.

Each day, something seems to show up providing an ever-so-slight rush of euphoria where you forget for a second that the world is ending because your new pitching wedge arrived!

But then you remember you probably won’t be able to golf anytime soon and sink back into insufferable depression. But that’s ok, we have ice cream!

Jason in 2020 BC could say no to most foods but in 2020 AD eating never stops. I actually have found I’m physically incapable of being full. The video below represents what eating is like for me if the basket is my stomach and that egg is, well, probably an egg. I’m basically the equivalent of a two-legged goat right now.

Hell, Amanda told me today that she found a string cheese in her purse and has no idea where it came from or how long it’s been there. I was pissed when she threw it away.

“Why did you throw that perfectly good string cheese away?” I demanded. “I would have eaten that!”

“Gross!” she replied. “It probably would have given you diarrhea all day.”

“Good,” I fired back. “At least then I would have something to do so I’m not so bored.”

Jason Wolverton writes funny blog posts. To read more of them, visit https://medium.com/@jasonwolverton