Isn’t it funny how a faint white circle on the underside of your lip can actually be more painful than having a broken leg?

Mouth Pain Palooza 2017

It’s been nearly two weeks since I penned the story of my recent tooth extraction, and I’ve been overwhelmed with comments from people telling me how much they enjoyed it.

How much you enjoyed it!?! I cried for nearly three straight days and was in so much pain that one night I almost passed out in a Walgreen’s parking lot at 3 a.m. while sucking on a tube of Orajel like a 260 pound toddler. I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

Assholes.

Anyways, all you “I love it when Jason is in pain and writes about it” people would be happy to know that the tooth extraction was just the catalyst for a two-week run of mouth pain that created more drama in my life than you’d find in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

Here’s a quick breakdown:

The extraction itself lasted about 45 minutes and my mouth remained wide open the entire time. And when I say “wide open” I’m not talking about “Open your mouth and say ‘Ah’” open, I’m talking about “Open your mouth and say ‘Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!’” open. I watched my wife give birth to our two children and that’s the last time I remember a pair of lips being that stretched. During the birth of my son, she had to have an Episiotomy, which for those of you who didn’t go to doctor school, is a surgical cut to the vajayjay to aid in a difficult birth and prevent tissue rupture. Well, my mouth was so wide open I ended up getting one naturally as the corner of my mouth split wide open. I would then spend the next 10 days with it healing slowly and then unhealing quickly every time I opened my mouth and split it back open.

Another thing that happened was I got a little canker sore in the bottom of my lip. I’ve actually battled them off and on for years (here’s proof), but haven’t had any issues as of late. Well, if you look up how canker sores are caused, one way is through “trauma to the mouth” and the other is “stress.” So when you combine the stress I was in from the tooth pain with the “heavy metal band mosh pit head bang” procedure my dentist did to my mouth, it’s no real surprise that I ended up with a tiny little mouth ulcer. It’s a bit more of a surprise that I ended up with four. And that one of them was large enough that, had it been around in November, it would have pledged 22 electoral votes for Trump.

The worst part of my giant canker sore is that it just wouldn’t heal. For me, I usually will have a day or two of bad pain but the rest of the time they are more of an annoyance. But to describe this thing as an annoyance would be like saying getting your head chopped off via chain saw is a “bit of an inconvenience.” This led to a solid five or six day stretch where I tried every over-the-counter, under-the-counter, and behind-the-counter-out-back-behind-the-dumpster remedy I could find.

I started with some Thieves, which is an essential oil my mom recommended. In case you didn’t know, Thieves has all kinds of uses, one of which is rubbing it on the bottoms of your feet for better digestion. Go ahead, read that again: Rub it on the bottom of your feet for better digestion. When I learned this I was immediately skeptical that some voodoo oil was going to help me. But you know what? I gave it a chance and ended up….being 100% correct. It didn’t work worth shit. You know why they call it Thieves? Because it robs you of your dignity when you try it.

After that I moved onto Alum. I’ll save you the Google search. They use it to make pickles. I’m sure you can figure out how that ended up, too.

At various points in the week I also attempted salt water rinses, baking soda, Hydrogen Peroxide, and a Hydrogen bomb. No help.

Next, in what can only be described as destiny, a very frugal friend of mine invited me over to his house so I could help him move a recliner with my truck and his doctor wife suggested I try Silver Nitrate. I hadn’t heard of it before, so I looked it up on Wikipedia and found this little nugget:

General Sir James Abbott noted in his journals that in India in 1827 Silver Nitrate was infused by a British surgeon into wounds in his arm resulting from the bite of a mad dog to cauterize the wounds and prevent the onset of rabies

Well, God damn, doesn’t that sound promising!

The next day I stopped by her office and she pulled out a little container filled with Silver Nitrate sticks that basically just looked like long matches. She said all she had to do was wet it and apply it to the canker sore and just wait for it to turn white. “Shouldn’t really hurt,” she added.

She is a liar.

I immediately questioned whether she actually put a real match in my mouth as we stood there in the exam room with her grasping my upper lip and me flopping around like I was a large mouth bass she just reeled in from the dock.

“Are you crying?” she asked.

“No!” I snapped. “I just have…allergies.”

But I must say, the Silver Nitrate sticks absolutely knocked out the pain in my bottom canker sore and I never felt anything in it again. As for the upper canker sore — the one I now refer to as Godzilla — well, it reduced the pain by at least 11.5%. So that’s something!

But an 11.5% reduction in pain doesn’t quite mesh with a 45% jump in embarrassing side effects as later in the day I looked down and noticed my hands were covered in something that looked like ink. Only, it wasn’t ink at all, but rather the Silver Nitrate. You ever have a pen break and notice it on your hands and then realize you have it all over your face? Yep.

The picture doesn’t do it justice, but it was all over my lips and in my mustache

Then what happened next is shit got even weirder when everything in my mouth turned blue like I had taken a bite out of the ass-end of a Smurf.

So now that you’re appropriately grossed-out, I’m happy to report that I’m officially canker sore free. These last two weeks have been terrible since all the problems with my mouth interfere with the two things I love best: eating and talking.

But in lieu of that, I suppose I can always just get my joy by continuing to entertain you all with some good ole blogging. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hit the hay as I have an early appointment tomorrow.

It’s my two-week check up at the dentist for the tooth extraction. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

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